too many thoughts to have one single heading

well...............lets begin with the right now thought first...........am feeling these strange vibes once again......and though the situation is not similar to the 'first time'.....the feeling is quite of a deja vu....the first time it happened it just happened .....now the second time the deja vu frightens me ...........coz i know though i did quite well through it (the 1 time) i could not just some how do my best ,,and could not do best, as i wished. for ppl i loved and cared so dearly about ,,,its the "LEAVING SYNDROME".....and i do doubt enough tinges of it being present even during my school leaving....


THE LEAVING SYNDROME.......
its quite stupid as it sounds but its just so much a part of me and so much of its reoccurances have occured that i need to "recognize"it atleast now so as to keep myself "organized "enough to deal well with it.
whats it?
its just plain "Whenever i feel am taken out (forcibly,circumstantially,naturally just as a part of course of life) or i myself move out (which i very rarely wish to ...but most often do due to 'really strong may be stupid but firm beliefs of mine') of a situation ,people ,relation, place or faith i still have greatest amounts of nostalgia about it and at times am just plain stubborn to accept that "things have changed'' and its just a thing that adds to my woes .
The fear of something or just any damn stupid thing i connect to not being permanent in life makes me do the "stupidest of reactions'' ...and gives me the confused and moody attitude that i myself have greatest trouble adjusting to .
it started with school i remember ...though didnt really care assesing why it was happpening now i do.......i remember since 9th and esp in 10th i just turned so aloof to all that happened in school.....also entering teenage added to 'abstractness of behavior 'quite well .On the day of farewell i was lost ...i didnt cry....i did feel bad but i talked of colleges we shall be at & so and so...somewhere deep within i had prepared myself for this "farewell'' quite long ago quite unknowingly.The strange possesiveness i felt about few ppl, the paths that were to differ later ,,i just needed to flee from experiencing it....i engrossed or tried my level best to engross myself in every thing other than the school......
later in my jr college it was easy it was just a matter of two years ..... that too everyone had there paths to be followed in minds set ,it was quite free flowing then ,,much free flowing life than now when i just get cautious about everything i do and its perception ... there were just whole lot of ppl to know in just 2 years also my own """" medical ambitions """"' a lot of sweet things on ....that college had somehow just managed to fill me with so much faith with no particular reason that its ending had not taken much toll on me cause just believed things that would just be eternal.....yet do remember my going to college did reduce a lot after sep 06 or infact right from 12th beginning............
even at home its just so same many a times i guess ,,,never realized it uptil now,,,,,(why do i have to be all gyaned just now i dont know ........just a pondering over my reactions to endings and changes that occur perhaps)i fight the most intense squabbles with my bro over tiniest things whenever he has to leave .same with dad these days.
of my graduate college cant really figure out who had been really harsh and critical of whom?
uptill now.....
i hate to find myself under constant analysis of my every action and behaviour, while at the same time situations just pop up to put me in spotlight when i am not really ready for it .the situation has been for over a year now that i know some thing has been amiss and i dont know what it is?i know i have erred but am in situations where i cant really apologize or correct them without increasing further the misconceptions or again being "scrutinized and critically analysed".some how this time its this pressure i have to deal on daily basis is helping me getting ready with this ...farewell(but not so very fair this time around)
but again i am now looking ,planning towards future quite anxiously as before perhaps just to deal with the"unknown changes"to occur after next 6 months.
desirable/not so desirable.... both its not the desire aspect that matters much but the' being in transition' without actually knowing where the final destination shall lie that takes the toll.
and know what feel that god just very well knows this over anxious nature of mine that hes so fondly playing with!!kind of he wants me to be a superman who can deal with every and all changes that sporadically occur now and then.. i try getting adjusted to a situation and till the time i really get adjusted(which is really tooo long)the situation is changed!!
(just increased rate of no. of diaries i required over last year expresses the turmoils and dilemmas well..to write in u was an option to reduce my book-keeping but also no. of hrs i spend on computer raises eyebrows .u are good on web so no need to hide folders,,, yet not in any social networking ,,,so no one to follow the blog except the strangers.yet u blog u cant be smuggled under bedcovers late at night thats ur biggest disadvantage,..i guess i shall have a real dairy again i miss them )
so back to upper thing i just guess my terrible ups and downs these days are just a result of my ages old 'LEAVING SYNDROME"
now the real issue i feel is now that .........i know the syndrome ..but what of cure ...i cant make things permanent ...even gods cant....to accept changes being only option ..i cant accept it quite well .........coz it means merely being in spectator role in 'my own very life'....its hard on my very ownlove for living""" and belief that ' if u really wish it truly u have it..and for a life-time mind it!!! life has always been a wish ,desire,.work hard ,achieve thing for me.....i cant just "watch it happen".atleast every time i aimed for sky atleast achieved the roof-tops...but thats it i need some thing to pursue and just these days too compulsive habit of mine!!
trying to change that means again having the unevitable "the change "thats again a lot time consuming adjustment ..........its just a big chain u c...big one
but then continuing to hope to better days (days when i know what i am upto ,what i am lookinfg for,or just those few blessed dayswhen theres just no need to look out for anything and am just utterly satisfied with myself) a habit, hard to die, i never wish to change.
but yup not all days go the same way.sweet small incidents give most joys during periods like these..experienced!!! just a call from long lost friend or relative ,any new person on horizon ,new hobbies ,new activities done just for a try...childhood dreams cherished however stupid they may be,your favourite song playing coincidently when you switch on tv,getting a book to read that u long wished to,or meeting your favourite school teacher.
today just accidentlymet chaitali mam ....she was really the person to begin the confident me ...she gave me the love for pure knowledge.felt too good .
all an all concluding yup a transition is on yet again have to do better this time ,,,but anyways not losing hopes...............hopes ..unlimited